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Entry: 12/01/2020

Ugh. So like. Aside from the usual pain that's back in full swing less than a day after taking benadryl (as expected), my mental health is really kinda hitting the shitter here. I know it's something to be expected for me around this time of year, but it's getting real bad. I'm starting to have that inclination to harm myself again and that's a feeling I don't like. I already am in a lot of ways I guess. I've hardly been eating or bathing or doing any of those important things, and I think I'm consuming nicotine at a rate that would impress someone doing a case study on destructive habits. I'm reaching that end of semester burn out point with my classes which, is normal, but when it's met with my own personal issues, it's really causing me to procrastinate a lot of things that I shouldn't be. I'm getting more and more nervous to leave my room at all and lord knows I don't want to look at my email or check the mailbox or anything remotely similar. Sucks. And it sucks even more that there's really not much that can be done about it. Sigh. Whatever.

Entry: 11/28/2020

I was in a lot of pain yesterday, and I sort of chalked it up to lack of sleep. So, being the clever person I am, I went to bed pretty early (7pm-ish). Not only did sleeping for around 11 hours not do anything for my pain, it actually has been much worse today. I must have slept in an awkward position or something. I'm almost to the point of desparation that I'm considering just taking some benadryl. I know that'll make me sleepy again, but it's really the only thing that somewhat helps. It makes sense, I mean, it does relax muscles and give that numbing type of feeling. I find that really the only drugs that do anything for my pain are those that have similar effects. I'd love to have something similar perscribed but since they still don't know exactly what it is that's effecting me they won't give me anything. Which like, sucks, because if I'm in this much pain, then shouldn't the goal be to primarily increase my functioning level by easing that pain? Not only this, but I had what I can only describe as one of the most violently graphic PTSD nightmares I've ever had last night. It's the middle of the day already, so I feel guilty that it's still freaking me out this badly, but it is. They always start around this time of year. I can tell it's taking a toll on me - I've been neglecting very basic self care tasks way more than normal lately, and I've been having a lot of self destructive compulsions. I almost want to leave front, but also, what would someone else even do? Be even less stimulated than I am? I feel like that'd be opening a can of rolling dissociation worms, and I don't think that would help much. Not that I can even really control it much, I've been hazy all day though I may try to stay focused. I have some school assignments to work on and some emails to read, so I guess I'll focus the little energy I have into doing that for now and then just see where the rest of the day takes me.